Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Forever tries.

Daniel is my bright little ray of sunshine.  He is the first to offer a hug, a positive spin on things or a kind word.  He gets out of bed every day ready to greet the sun and face the world with a smile.  He gets dressed in a favorite shirt- his "Oh Snap" lobster or his hip rhinoceros shirt are always  go-to options, leaves the hanger on his bed from said shirt, heads off to the bathroom to brush his teeth for something approximately close to 2 minutes but way closer to one, and then galumphs off to start his day.  

Then along comes nagging mom- "Daniel, was that really two minutes?  Daniel, is that your hanger laying on your bed AGAIN? Like, every DAY?  Daniel, you need to redo your homework, you got this problem WRONG.  I can't stand it when you don't take your time on your homework. Shouldn't you have taken your time last night?  What did you do with your lunch money from last week?  Did you even MAKE your bed?"  

Who is this lady?  Is she ME?  When did I become such a drag?  I wish that I was making this dialogue up, but these are sadly the typical things that come out of my mouth before he even spills any milk on the table or we find the forgotten lunch money crumpled up in the bottom of his backpack.

Usually my Sunny D apologizes profusely or jokes right back, "But, mom, the hanger is my friend!  I love sleeping with it!," and "Hey, I've never had a cavity!" and I give him a hug and shake my head and we move on.

But one morning, I looked at him at the breakfast table (after we fixed the homework, found the lunch money and wiped up some spilled milk) and he had tears clouding his eyes, and more streaming quietly down his face.  

It hurt me to see him so hurt- and I was the one to blame.

You know, sometimes my kids push it too far, and sometimes I push it too far.  I had pushed it too far, and I started to really not like how I felt or how I was behaving in that moment. It was time for me to pick up the mirror instead of the magnifying glass and look within.

If my voice is going to become their inner voice, how can I make it one of love and encouragement and gentleness?  If these kids are going to be the ones taking care of me when I'm old, how will I want them to treat me when I am forgetful or can no longer do things quite the right way, or do them quickly, or do them by myself?   What would it hurt right now if I let a few more little things go?   Would it mess them up forever to be more gracious with their faults? 

The fact is, they are not intentionally doing anything wrong most of the times that I am annoyed.  I am becoming aware that when I lose my patience, it is usually because their feelings and their needs are getting in the way of my agenda.  Ouch.  Isn't part of my job as their mama to help teach them to be fully human. . .with feelings and needs that can be expressed in healthy ways?  Is my to-do list or my comfort or my convenience the god that I serve? Often when I find myself being the kind of mom that I don't really want to be around, it is more about having my needs served- my need for order, or organization, for peace and quiet, or for well-behaved children, than it is about serving their needs with a kind heart in this season of life.  I've made an idol out of those things at some time or another, and it is time to smash it.

This season, and it is just that, only a season, is in fact loud and messy and full of, shall we say, "growth opportunities"  for them, AND for me. So, after a conversation with my bestie, Kris, a few weeks ago when we sorted through this, I'm asking myself: "What would it look like, for a whole (insert period of time here), to love my people exactly as they are?"  

Not who I want them to be, or who I think they should be, or how they could be if they just did this one little thing right that they are doing wrong right now, but exactly as they are. Right now.  Generously and appreciatively and joyfully, the way God sees them. 

In this, the only moment that we are guaranteed.

I'm starting with some increments of time to focus on seeing my people through the eyes of love and love and only love.  Starting with this moment, right now, and stretching that for even longer periods.  Can I stretch that gentleness out for like, a whole meal?  Or a whole morning?  A whole homework session?  If today was our last day together on earth, would the fact they use their sleeve as a Kleenex be the most important thing I want to talk to them about?  Is spilled milk worth our tears?  Can they forget to carry the one or put "i before e except after c" and still make it to heaven?  

Yes. Yes. Yes. No. No. Yes.

"The world has enough critics," I tell my kids, "be an appreciator." 
I need to heed those words myself.  

"Treat other people the way you want to be treated," I tell my kids.
I need to show them that with my actions.

"Is it more important to be right or to be kind?" I ask my children.
I need to ask myself the same question.

Because I know in my heart the answer- kindness matters most.  Now, there is a time for everything under the sun and there is a time to correct to be sure, but do I need to correct behavior at the expense of hearts?  Probably not.  There's a win-win out there somewhere, and I am praying for the wisdom to seek it and to live it, and praying for the grace to be gentle with myself so I can be gentle with them.  I'll never get it perfectly, but I know I can do it better.

The sun rises each day and shines on us all with new mercy.

Here's to greeting the sun like D.
Forever tries.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Over again.

"Can't we go back to page one and do it all over again?"  - Winnie the Pooh

I don't know why, but for some reason Halloween gives me all the feels!  Maybe it's because every year I realize these kiddos are a little bigger, can go a few more houses, try more adventurous costumes, and have more zeal for candy.  Not to mention the memories of all of the Halloween's past that appear, all the pictures of chubby faces squished into fuzzy costumes on our Facebook feeds.  It seems like a silly day to feel so sentimental about, but it is what it is!

This Halloween day I dragged out the costume box for Noah.  We were getting ready to go visit our friends at the nursing home and I wanted to make sure he had something cute to wear (as if he even needed a costume to score candy, he gets that every week costume-free) but kids in costumes just make people smile.  We dug through the box and I pulled out a treasure I had been looking for- the old Winnie the Pooh costume.  The one Daniel wore for Halloween when Phil was his Christopher Robin, the one Noah wore basically every day for an entire summer despite the heat, when he was just learning to talk and walked around proudly, saying, "NOOK!  I POOP!  I POOP!" sending his brothers into fits of laughter.

I have so many precious memories of Winnie The "Poop" that I was hopeful that he would put it on one more time.  The tag inside said 3T-4T.  Would it fit?

"Noah, will you try this on for Mommy?"
"Mommy, dat was from when I was a baby. I am FOUR and a HALF,"  he declared with a raised eyebrow.  (note: the HALF is very important.)
"Pleeeeaassseeee?"  I looked at him pleadingly, he looked right back at me with almost an exasperated face, as if he could not be bothered with this childish activity.  But after I promised him a piece of candy, he grudgingly approved the costume try-on.
We slipped it on and it zipped up, but, as he pointed out, "Mommy, dat's tight."
Kind of like my jeans, kid.  I get it.  Only I have less excuses.
I laughed at my own ridiculousness.  Of course it was tight!  It was from when he was 2!  The built-in Pooh belly, once so comfortable and squishy, looked more like a bowling ball, and his ankles were hanging out from below the cute little Pooh paws that used to pool around his feet.  
"Can I take it off now, Mommy?"
"Yes, but can I PLEASE take your picture first?  PLEASE?" I begged.
"OK, but don't share it with anyone."   He gave me an I-mean-business look.
"I promise."

And I kept that promise- do you see the picture here?  Nope, but it's on my phone as a reminder for me, that my little man is growing up and has needs and opinions and an interior life of his own that is worthy of respect.  And the pic squeezing into Pooh this Halloween was not nearly as cute as the pictures of him when he was a baby in it anyways.

I unzipped the "Poop" costume and helped take it off a Zink boy for the last time.  Noah saw my wistful face and felt the need to encourage me, "Mommy, I will wear something else, but I will still be cute, OK?" 

And he did, and he was, and it was all good.  He was a brave knight, slaying loneliness like any old dragon, stealing hearts and candy from all the fair damsels.  I watched him interact with everyone and marveled at how he is growing up.

After we left the room of one of our friends, he said, "Mommy, Lillian asked my name so many times!"
"I know, buddy.  That's just her question that she likes to ask.  She knows you, it's OK."
"Yeah, I know.  My feelings weren't hurt." he said, matter-of-factly.

He totally gets it, I thought.  I marveled at his compassion for others, the way he is processing the world and the way he articulates it to me.  I gave him a hug.

"My baby is growing up!" I said, in the standard "Awwwwwww" tone of voice I always use when I tell my kids that.  And then Noah screwed up his little face and said something that made me pause.

"Mommy, do you just like babies?"

He looked at me with concern.  It was a sincere question from his four-year-old mind, worthy of the most sincere of responses. 

"Oh honey," I melted into a puddle and held him close,  "I loved you when you are a baby and I love you now.  I love you all the time.  I love babies but I love big boys, too.  You are so special, and I love the way you are growing."

He looked encouraged and quickly moved on with his life, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.  What message am I sending my "baby" when I am constantly articulating my tug between having a baby and big boy, the same tug that he's struggling with inside?   Obviously a strong enough message to make him wonder if having a cute baby was all I was into.  I need to be careful with my words and through my own give him the words he needs to share his interior life in the ways he sees fit.  So much to hold in my heart, and we were only halfway through Halloween.  See what I mean? ALL THE HALLOWEEN FEELS.

The big bros got off the bus and we had a blast.  An exhausting blast, as there is nothing quite like feeding four kids dinner and getting them costumed up on Halloween.  And JUST as I am finally getting used to the flow if it, the little years are almost over.  Isn't that life?  We went for our last theme this year, our final in a 9-year streak of themes because we thought perhaps next year would be the year the big boys wanted to go out with their friends, which I totally respect.  It was time to do it up right and savor one last trick or treat as a family of six.  I left the bowl of candy on the porch in our skeleton's lap because as much as I love greeting my trick-or-treaters in my witch costume there was no way I was going to miss my own kids out as The Beatles.

Oh, how much fun they had.  They were a hit at every house and Noah's joy spread down the street like beams of sunshine.  Our kids scored so much extra candy for their costumes that I had to quickly shuffle about four bags of it away while they were sleeping that night.  I couldn't tell if my face hurt from smiling or from the cold, but I think it was mostly the smiling.  I soaked it up- their joy, their good humor, their cuteness and the pure fun of making people laugh and smile and clap and sing.  They were so in character and they had ladies squeal over them and even had some people take their picture, which they thought was sooo cool.

After we warmed up from the cold, took off the costumes, sorted the candy, washed out the colored hairspray from Ringo and Paul's hair, got on jammies, brushed teeth and read stories, a tired-but-happy mommy and daddy were finally tucking the tired-but-happy boys into bed.

"Mommy, I'm never going to forget that," said Phil. 
"Me neither, buddy," I said, and I walked over to tuck in Daniel.
"Mommy, I'm sorry.  Today was really fun for us but I think it probably was a lot of work for you."
"Daniel," my heart ached at how sensitive he is and I felt ashamed that I had not pretended to be less tired at this point, "I'm sorry, bud, Mommy should probably do a better job of not looking tired.  Yes, I am tired.  But my heart is full from seeing you have fun. It was so worth it."

He smiled.
And it was. So. Worth. It.

It's easier now to be OK with the tired when I know that the days of being "hands-on" are slipping past, it was even easier after spending time at the nursing home earlier that day, where hands are no longer busy and rooms are quiet except for the sounds of the television and the beeps and purring of machinery.

And as much as I would love to hold one of my babies in my arms again, I can't go back to page one and live all the sweet moments (and only the sweet ones, right?) over again.  But we can try to live today the best we can, knowing that the other side of the coin of being happy is being tired, and vice versa, and that's just the way it is going to be for the season we're in.  As they say, you can have it all, you just can't have it all at the same time!

Paul and I went out for a rare date night last night to grab a drink and we talked about growing older.  We'd only go back and do it over again if we knew what we knew now, we agreed. We wouldn't trade the lessons we've learned (most of them the hard way) for a hundred yesterdays with less gray hair and firmer skin, no matter how sweet those yesterdays were in our 20's and early 30's.

As much as I miss the little Pooh and Christopher Robin of Halloween past, there is so much joy to be grasped today. 

I mean, seriously.  How much do I love them?  

I turned 38 today.  Time marches forward.  Will they still need me when I'm 64? I hope they do. My prayer is that I can make the most of the time I have with my children, whatever time I am given.  Thank you, God, for another year on this earth, another day to try over again to love my people the best that I can. 

"Any day with you is my favorite day, so today is my new favorite day."  - Winnie the Pooh

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Hold On.

"Letting our children go is a lifelong process for parents, one that we wrestle with again and again.  Each parent has to wrestle with it in his or her own way." -Fred Rogers

"I'm going. I have to go.  I'm tall enough!  PLEEEEEEEEEEASE????" Philip begged.

"Oh, honey," I cringed and looked over at the Round Up, "I don't know."

I had made up my mind the first time I saw this ride seven years prior that the people who ride it must be absolutely CRAZY.  With a capital C and a capital-all-the-other-letters CRAZY.  The scientist in me understands the forces at work that keep you firm and secure, but the wimp in me says, "No, thank you. I'll be over here on the carousel."

Having watched considerably more episodes of NOVA than I have, Phil's eyes were gleaming with excitement for all of the g's he was going to experience on the Round Up.  My most responsible boy is also my biggest amusement park thrill-seeker.  Who could have a trace of fear when the laws of physics are so consistently enforced? 

I stood there stalling with my ten-year-old tugging on my arm as my mind spun around,  "What happened to the rides in kiddie land?  But you were terrified the first time he rode those, too, Jen. Remember?  You can't hold on to him forever.  You need to let him go.  He wants to, he's tall enough."

But there was no way I could watch him up there alone.  I gulped.

"OK, buddy, but I'm coming with you."

Phil grinned and ran ahead of me.  Instant regret filled me the moment those words came out of my mouth. Why did I say that? Now I must be the one who is absolutely crazy!  I looked up at the ride- it was half full of kids, none of them over the age of 12, and it was spinning vertically as they screamed.  I followed along behind Phil halfheartedly and plopped my hat and purse into the box next to the attendant.  I took my place on the ride and gripped firmly to the peeling metal bars on either side of me, suspiciously eyeing the small chain in front of me, whose purpose I could hardly grasp, and wondering how old this ride actually was.  Definitely old enough my parents could have ridden it as kids, which I later confirmed on wikipedia.  Through my fear narrative, I took a moment to notice that the kids on either side of me were elated, most especially my Philip who couldn't stop chattering about the ride to come. 

The college-aged ride attendant came over to this grown lady with white knuckles sandwiched between the tweens and gave me an encouraging smile. 
"I'm 37 and I have to admit I'm a little nervous," I told him.
"You'll be just fine!" he said, as he walked around casually, balancing the ride and making sure everyone was secure.

The clank of the "on" lever, the whir of the motor, and we were off.  I gripped the ride in terror, but when I glanced over the look on Phil's face was priceless.  I screamed the entire time, mostly, "HOLD ON!!!" although the laws of physics were, again, consistently being enforced and the act of holding was not truly necessary.  And I had to admit the view of the park from the top was pretty incredible.  It was over before I knew it.

That may have been my first time on the Round Up, but it wasn't my last.  After that first ride,  Phil ran off and got right back on again, taking my Dad along with him.  We ended up riding it a half dozen or so more times, and even brought some brothers along. And each time, I was befriended by the kids around me waiting for the ride to begin.

"I'm 8!  We're here for my birthday!"
"I'm here with my aunt and uncle, they bring me here for special occasions!"
"I've been on this ride 27 times!"
"I'm a Steelers fan, but I don't even live here! Do you like the Steelers?"

You know, for a seemingly terrifying ride, it was actually pretty friendly.  I made lots of new pint-sized friends.  I also learned after the first time that if you just focused on the center of the ride, it was way less dizzying.  And Phil's joy and pride in this new milestone made it all worthwhile.

As we stepped off the ride for the last time and prepared to leave the park, I couldn't help but reflect on the metaphor the whole experience on the Round Up had for my life as a parent.

Daunting.  At times terrifying.  The overwhelming urge to hold on. White knuckles. Intermittent screaming.  Nausea.  The conflicting feeling that things are over too fast and not over fast enough. 


Fun.  Full of pint-sized friends.  Thrilling. Lots of laughter.  New views and perspectives.  Worth doing multiple times.  Different than I expected, yet way better in surprising ways- especially if one can stay focused on the Center.

I've been reflecting on this more during my boys' fourth grade year.  Philip and Daniel are crossing that bridge from "little boys" to "young men." and I am watching it unfold before my eyes.  I have the overwhelming urge to hold on some days, while at the same time knowing that the whole point of parenting is letting go.  My head knows that I can't cling to them forever, but my heart aches in the letting go.  How could so many of those little days when they were one and two, or two and three, or three and four, have gone so painfully sloooooowwwwwwww, while those little YEARS simply flew?

Now these ever growing nine-and-ten-year-old little men stand before me, with compassionate hearts and great senses of humor and slightly more self control in using their shirts as Kleenex and their pants as napkins than they had when they were five and six.  Where did those days go?  Did I do right by them?  Have I done enough, invested enough in their hearts? What will their future bring, and what can I do to ensure they are ready for it?

I can take hope and comfort from the Round Up, however.  There, the laws of physics are consistently enforced, beyond my own power or will to influence them.  

Philip and Daniel each have a plan for their lives, beyond my own power or will to make it myself.  They have a reason for being here that is beyond my mind to fully understand but has been destined since even before my time on earth.  My job as their mom is to help them find God's will for their lives- I can't make it up myself, I can't force them onto the path, but I can try to help guide them there.  I can be their lantern to hold, I can be their safe place to rest, but I can't walk it for them, and I can't even walk it next to them clinging with white knuckles to their arm.  Darn it, because I'd really like to.  It's humbling and scary but also the most liberating thought possible.  They aren't "mine."  They aren't even Paul's.  They aren't the world's. They are God's.  And he's the Center of it all- for them, and for me.  He's got us.

As necessary as it seems to hold on, I need to keep telling myself that it's also going to be OK to let go.
The ride may be over fast, but the memories remain.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

In between.

Like the last few moments of a sunset, September calls us to an in-between space.  The leaves begin to turn and the morning chill enters the air.  We're on the threshold of Fall, clutching a pumpkin spice latte while still wearing our flip flops, mowing the lawn in shorts while raking the first leaves.  We're in a liminal space.  And in this sacred September, I've become even more acutely aware of that space between.

Maybe you're smarter than me, but I sure had no idea what liminal space meant until reading a beautiful homily for the Epiphany last year written by Deacon James Knipper:  

"The word liminal comes from the Latin word which means threshold – the space between and betwixt. It is the time that “life as usual” doesn’t necessarily feel right any longer – that change is needed – but you are not sure what to replace it with. It is when you are between what was once your comfort zone and that sense of newness in your life. It is a time when we need to pause…to resist the temptation to simply push through or retreat…but to be still and to listen."

His description of that place of threshold sparked a recognition in me, and has kept me open to the possibility of these spaces in my own life. There's a particular beauty of the times in-between, the magic of uncertainty, the embrace of the feeling of being, as Pierre Teilhard de Chardin would say, "in suspense and incomplete".  Those last few weeks and days before a new baby is born, as you're waiting to see who this little person is who will change your family forever.  The week before your high school graduation.  The search for a new job.  The wait for the test results. The last sunset of a beautiful vacation.  The first few weeks as husband and wife.  The night before the moving van comes. Each of these times calls to mind an expectancy and a sense of the unknown, and a "thin place" where God's presence can be felt if we only put aside the tendency to rush or push and be still and listen.

11 years ago this fall, I found out I was expecting Philip.  "What would being a mother be like?" I wondered for nine whole months.  After he was born, the question was answered in the way my life expanded and changed in ways I could have never anticipated, and time became a snowball rolling down the hill until I was simply carried away by the momentum of it all.  Daniel arrived less than 13 months later, a huge (both literally and figuratively) surprise that not only changed our family, but the trajectory of my entire life.  Although I went back to my career of teaching high school science after Phil was born, the arrival of Daniel brought with it the need to slow down and take on a new role as full-time homemaker.  I was reluctant to leave the identity of my career and considered the stay at home temporary until my return to the classroom, and I found myself there in a liminal space, uncertain in my new role while still knowing the change was necessary.  Over the past 10 years of being carried along by the snowball, I've gone from the familiar to the unknown all the way until the unknown transformed into its own brand of familiar.   Motherhood has gone from feeling as constrictive as a pair of low rise pre-pregnancy jeans to more like the comfort of some high-waisted maternity leggings.  It wasn't so much a shedding of my previous identity, but an incorporating of everything I had been as a teacher and daughter and wife and sister and friend  into the broadened expanse of this vocation.   

Beyond my worryings of if there would be enough love for them all, these four tiny people expanded my heart a million times over.  

Despite my concerns about my lack of training in this job, all of the things I had done seemingly prepared me for this moment.  

Who knew the high school drama club could come in handy with the endless pretend in those little years, where I was required to play everything from factory foreman to museum curator in elaborate little boy make-believes?  My summers as a camp director at the YMCA filled my playbook with all sorts of entertainment and first-aid knowledge, and my career as a teacher sure helped me out when my dining room table became an impromptu classroom for the nature wonderings of littles.   Even my sorority girl days came in handy, spending all that time in frat houses has been good preparation for what life with a husband and four boys was headed towards, and if my kids' bathroom still looks better than the bathroom at Harry's Chocolate Shop, I'm not doing so bad, right?

Deeper than that, though, upon entry into this space I was invited by my children onto a spiritual journey, one that was less the mountaintop moment I had imagined motherhood would be and more journey to the valley- humbling and self-emptying.  Despite my initial efforts to not "lose myself" in motherhood, to resist the messy discomfort of growth and stay my in control Jen-centered self, these kids eventually just broke me down and broke me open.  It might have been the day ants crawled out of my purse at church.  Motherhood allowed me to embrace my need for grace in a way I could have never done under my own power.  You see, before I had kids I thought I COULD and SHOULD do everything under my own power.  Don't get me wrong, I loved Jesus and I adored God and I prayed for the Holy Spirit to guide me with this person and that problem and the other thing, but outside of Mass and prayer group and devotion time, I sure lived the rest of my hours like it all depended on me.  In my mind the success or failure of every little thing was all up to my efforts- how hard I worked, the choices I made, the way I handled things, how hard I prayed.  Get it right, Jen, you only have one chance.  Only after realizing that there was no way that I could ever keep these four kids alive and grow them into competent adults on my own (I think the third child shattered that illusion), I went before Jesus, exhausted and covered in boogers and spit-up, mildly grumpy with my husband and sleep deprived to boot, with a layer of caffeine, concealer and smudgy-mascara over it all.  In this state I offered this whole hot mess up to the One who made her.

He was waiting.  He has, since then, consistently seemed more than happy to help.  It is a daily offering, a laying at His feet of all of the things I want to cling to tightly and control, the simple knowing that all I need to do is keep my eyes and heart open and follow and trust that has made all the difference.  Those things Paul said in the bible have become less flowery words to pin on Pinterest and more like a lifeline, a song, a love letter.  "It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me."  He is greatest when I am weak?  It's not all about me?  Who knew.  I didn't.  I'm slowly learning.

Now I stand in the space where the most physically rigorous of these years of raising littles have all but closed behind me.  Wiping endless noses and tears and folding minuscule laundry and stumbling out of bed to put pacifiers back in babies' mouths have been replaced by the emotional rigor of shepherding four little souls out into the great big world and the new opportunities for humility that come along with that.  I'm in the space between the toddler and the teen years, at the threshold of the next part of my journey.  Noah starts kindergarten next August when Daniel turns 10- which will round out my decade of being a stay-at-home mom and open me up for the next adventure.  Now, I will always be their mom, and my heart and mind will still be captured by the daily tasks of raising these kids.  But, let's face it, without a baby on my hip or a tiny friend to buckle into a car seat on every errand, my hands will be a little more. . .free.

So, here in the liminal space of this Indiana September, my last as a stay-at-home mom to a preschooler, it seems to me that I need to live it as tenderly as I can.  Could it be over yet?  Every day with Noah seems now a little less like a pill to swallow as it did to me when motherhood was new and a little more like dark chocolate wrapped in shiny paper on my pillow. . .just sweet enough to be savored and a little guiltily a that. . .do I even deserve this sweet boy? Of course not.  And what will the next phase bring, when Noah gets on the bus next year and I cross the threshold with 8 hours to fill?

To answer I need only to look back at another liminal space in my life, the time right before I started my student teaching and prepared to graduate from Purdue.  This September, 16 years ago, I was making $200 a week developing film in the one hour photo lab of Kroger, living with my parents, eating Taco Bell daily and more or less waiting for my life to begin.  Little did I know that in a few weeks I would meet my supervising teacher, who would become a lifelong mentor and friend, that the school I was getting ready to student teach at would be the one where I would build my career, that the brand new RENEW group I had signed up for at church would launch a new phase in my faith journey, that in just a few months I would be at a Purdue football game and meet a handsome guy with sideburns and glasses and a big smile, and he would be my soulmate and we would get married and have four children together?!?!?  WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED I was going to meet the guy who would be carrying me over the threshold??!!!

 I certainly couldn't, leaning on the counter of the Kroger photo lab that September, bored out of my mind as the clocked ticked by.  God knew to be sure, but I was clueless.  

And looking back at how it all played out, I am more than sure He knows now.  What will be next for me, when this decade of quiet adventure is over?  What will I leave behind and what will I gain and how will he use me and how will it all go down?  I'm clueless but the faith side of that coin is living with the confidence that He knows.  He was here then, he's here now, he'll be here tomorrow.   Whatever I've been up to these past 10 years is surely the perfect preparation for the next phase of my life, God doesn't do it any other way.  I couldn't have planned the last few decades myself. . .the way he wove all that together?  Well played, Lord.  You're the champ.

This week, the memory of September 2001 lingers in my mind for other reasons as well, as it does in our collective memory as a nation.  Yesterday as we remembered the lives lost, our thoughts wandered to the fact that it can all change so quickly- on a beautiful September day or any day at that.  Thinking of those who lost their beloveds on September 11 calls us to live this life tenderly and gently when we can no matter what phase of life we are in.  What's next for us, we don't know.  What do we do, those of us living in the space between?  Where are we being called?  What's He preparing you for right now?  What does He have planned for me?  I'm thinking all we can do is pray to live this moment, the only one we are guaranteed, well.  To take the time to listen.  To stand on the threshold and look out to the journey ahead, praying He'll take us where we need to be.

"Lord, take me where You want me to go;
let me meet who You want me to meet;
tell me what You want me to say;
AND. . . keep me out Your way." 

Father Mychal Judge
NYC Fire Department Chaplain 
May 11, 1933-  September 11, 2001

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Forever six.

My favorite seven-year-old

"The child is within me still.  And sometimes not so still."  - Fred Rogers

November 4, 1986. . .my parents had already tucked me into my yellow canopy bed with my array of stuffed animals, but I lay there in the digital glow of my purple clock radio unable to sleep.   I was anxious.  Distressed.  Agitated.  The next day, I was going to turn seven.  S-E-V-E-N.  I know kids are supposed to be excited about their birthdays but little Jenny most definitely was NOT. I finally couldn't stand it anymore and made the short walk across the hall into my parents' room, where I found my mom reading in her bed. 
She looked up from her book at me in my jammies with my tear-filled eyes.
"I don't want it to be tomorrow," I pleaded,  "I don't WANT to turn seven!!  I want to stay six, Mommy!  Make my birthday not come."
My mom did her best to soothe it away, but I can still remember the ache of that feeling.  I don't even know where it came from, I just knew that I wanted to stay six forever. 
Six was awesome.
Six was jump roping and learning to read.  It was Rainbow Brite and puffy-sleeved dresses and watching the Cosby Show with my parents.  It was stuffed animals and First Communion and Hi-C juice boxes and tag at recess and being friends with everyone.  Being the youngest in my class, I had already witnessed most everyone around me turn seven, I had just decided I didn't want to join them.   (This was a far different emotion than later when I witnessed everyone in my class turn 21. 😉 )

But on that night in 1986, there was no way to stop the clock.  The clock turned, and I along with it.  Seven.  My mom and I still joke about that night, but it turned out that it wasn't the end of the world.  I mean, there was cake, after all!  I turned eight, nine, ten, eleven. . .and now I am checking in at 37 1/2.  This might mean I'm a grown-up, but I still feel like I am doing a lot of growing. Will I ever arrive at being a grown-up?  Sometimes I look around and I am not sure if I even want to. Over the years, as I grew I watched everyone around me "grow up", too. The kids around me got older, wiser, and many of them grew more cynical. More critical. Less enthusiastic.  A little more "exclusive".  Glossed in a veneer of cool and casual totally unfamiliar to our six-year-old selves.   Well, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) for me I am not good at being cool.  Or exclusive.  Or cynical. I think there maybe there is still a part on the inside of me that has stayed six, and still wonders- why do we do this to ourselves?  Why do we "grow up", especially when growing up can mean hiding those parts of ourselves that can bring us the most connection and love?  

I ponder this today as my little Joshy turns seven.  As much as I love sweet, bright, enthusiastic and loving SIX, I couldn't keep him there any better than I could keep myself.   All I can do is pray that as he grows, he keeps that six-year-old spirit inside.

So, on this day, this is what I have to say to Josh.  Maybe someday he'll go back and read all of the things his mommy wrote, and know just how loved he is.  And maybe you'll read it and know how loved you are, too.

Joshy, I'm so proud of the way you're growing. I love how you fit in my arms just right for a hug, and run off the bus every day and leap right into them.  I love your sense of humor and the insightful questions you ask and the way you make our family just right.  I love your honesty, your genuine smile, and that adorable giggle that wells up from deep inside you until it overflows.  I love how hard you work in school and how you never want to stop learning.  I admire your faith and your reverence.  I love the way you sing. I adore your patience and your pretend with Shopkins and your assortment of stuffed animals and your love of Dr. Seuss books and stickers and the way you cuddle up on the couch and watch Mister Rogers or Elmo with Noah just as easily as you sandwich between your older brothers to watch Star Wars or Pokemon.

Part of me selfishly wishes I could keep you little forever, but since I can't stop the clock, I just want you to know that as you grow, it's O.K. to just be you.  You are enough.  Your genuine self?  It is MORE than enough.  You are just right.

Here's the thing.  Other people around you are going to be testing out the great big world and trying on all different forms of their grown-up selves.  Someday, those people may shame you for getting too interested in things.  For trying too hard. For your enthusiasm.  For trying to please your teachers.  For following the rules.  For laughing at all the funny things.  For including people who are different.  For singing, or wearing your favorite color, or for liking Disney movies or for your shoes or for taking your time or whatever thing that people of your age may have decided that they are currently too "cool" for. But even when that hot feeling of embarrassment burns inside you, don't let shame creep in and steal your joy.  There is no shame in being authentic, and nothing wrong with being you.  You might consider for a moment if you should be tougher, or different, or if you could somehow be just like everyone else.  But even if you feel like you are on your own path, know you certainly are never alone.  Lots of us have felt that, too. I've often wondered if I should stuff down the parts of me that are different.  Could I be less sensitive?  More jaded?  I have even tried.  But here's what I've learned: It's OK to turn the volume down, but please don't mute the parts of you that make you. . .YOU.  You can't experience joy unless you live life wholeheartedly.  God made you for joy, he made you so special, and he wants all of Y-O-U.

Keep growing, my love, but please keep that tender six-year-old heart, the heart that makes you cry when you see something beautiful or when you see someone sad, the heart that helps you be so quick to say both "I love you" and "I'm sorry."
Keep hugging. Your hugs are the best, the world needs them.
Keep praying. Your childlike faith isn't naive, it's a gift from God.
Keep being spiffy. You can never be overdressed, really.  I love your style. 
You like to take your time- keep taking it.  Please don't hurry when the world tries to make you rush. Rushing is overrated . .follow your own little drum.
Keep creating.
Making new friends everywhere you go.
Being YOU.

Grow big.
Grow strong.
But always keep a little bit of that six-year-old self inside.

Happy 7th birthday, Joshy Pooh!  We love you!

Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children,you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me.
Matthew 18:3-5

Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children,you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me.
Matthew 18:3-5

Tuesday, March 28, 2017


Noah turned four this past Saturday, and I think I officially have to say that my "baby" is no longer a baby.  

I realized for the first time this year that Noah was born on the feast of the Annunciation.  What a lovely day to be born into the world, the day where we celebrate the joy of a "yes" that changed human history.  In the BIG scheme of things, Mary said yes to the invitation of an angel and the world has never been the same.  In our little world, Noah entered as the fourth brother and our family changed forever. What joy, what light, what love he brings to our hearts.  Is he perfect?  No.  None of us are. But he's perfectly Noah.  Phil may be even more polite and more inquisitive, Daniel even more sweet and good-humored, Josh even more independent and gentle of spirit.  But Noah brings something that is 100% Noah to the scene: an enthusiasm, a generosity, a spunk and a friendliness all his own.  And upon his entrance to our family as the "last baby", he also brought with him an invitation.  An invitation to slow down.  An invitation to say yes.  An invitation to not take ourselves too seriously. An invitation to joy.

To be fair, all of my children came with that invitation, but I'm a slow learner.  It took me until #4 to realize that the invitation to live life to the fullest was in fact addressed to ME.  The first few times I think that the invitation got buried in the pile of diapers and the to-do list and the tiny laundry and sleepless nights and my closet full of ill-fitting clothing in four sizes and the endless cracker crumbs everywhere.  Was it under there, like a leaking sippy cup long lost under the couch?  I certainly didn't see it.  I had the misguided notion that just because things were hard, it must mean I was doing them wrong, and if my children weren't "perfect", or I fell short of my own self-imposed vision of what a mother should be, I was failing.  I thought I needed to change myself.  I felt like a million voices were shouting at me- be better, do better, do more, get it right, you only have one chance.  But then, deep within, a still small voice. . ."God made you.  He loves you just the way you are, and that love is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever."  Maybe I don't need to be different, I just need to be me, only more free?  Could it be?  These past four years have been an adventure into that invitation to freedom.

Of course my Facebook memories on Saturday were full of treasured moments- the day Noah was born, meeting his brothers for the first time, his first birthday where we dressed him like Corduroy, his second birthday where he sang "Happy Birthday" to himself with such enthusiasm I'm sure the neighbors heard. . .

When I clicked on that "see your memories" link, I expected myself to be sad, to feel the tug of wishing I could go back, just for one moment, to live Noah's babyhood again.  But for some reason, this super sentimental gal who cries on a daily basis about anything from a soap commercial to a picture of a senior citizen and a puppy to a song on the radio. . .didn't shed a tear?  Whoa.  I needed to unpack this lack of emotion just to make sure my feelers were still operational.  After some reflection, I realized that, just like Glennon says, as much as I love having parented, the actual parenting itself is pretty hard work. I wouldn't trade the hard earned wisdom gained through my mistakes along the way.   Did I do it perfectly?  No.  Nothing is perfect this side of heaven.  Did I "enjoy every moment because they are just growing so fast?"  No.  There were some moments where I really wished that life was a VHS and I could hit that fast forward button right through the hard parts, or a DVD and I could just go to the next scene, or maybe some Netflix and I could just fall asleep on the couch and wake up when it's over.  But more often than not in the last four years, I have been taking the invitation to the joy right in front of me. It's much easier to say "yes" when you know it is your last time on the merry-go-round.  And in taking Noah's invitation, I began to see so many others as well.

I can't go back and re-parent Joshy and Phil and Daniel when they were three-going-on-four.  If I could, I'd take myself less seriously.  I'd hug more and lecture less, I'd laugh more and worry less. I'd have more reasonable expectations for Phil:  Just because he is three and the oldest of three brothers doesn't mean he isn't still THREE.  I'd appreciate Daniel more:  Just because he's so well behaved and sweet doesn't mean I can just ignore him until he needs me.  I'd get less frustrated with Joshy:  His mischief is the other side of his coin of independence.   While, by nature of him being my "last chance", I was able to see Noah's interruptions as invitations to connect, I saw most of my older children's interruptions as, well, annoyances.  What did I miss?  I'll never know. I can only see those things now in hindsight.  I was talking to a wise friend about these regrets and she said something about our kids that I will never forget:

We still have them right now.

Now that's some truth.  I think we all have regrets, but we can't dwell in Regret Town.  It's a sad, dusty place to live.  Regrets only find their value in the way we use them to inform our actions moving forward.  I can't go back, I can't even go ahead, all I have is this moment.  These boys, 9 and 8 and 6 and 4.  I was there for them all these years, I'll be there for them tomorrow, but the only moment that I'm guaranteed is this one.  I can't go back and fix my perceived mistakes, I can't look forward to know everything that will happen and plan how to handle it.  I can just take the invitation to live and love. . .today. 

And they still need me now, in ways that are different and specific and unique yet no less important than the ways they needed me before.  The other day we were cleaning up the LEGO area in the basement.  This is an activity that I try to stay far, far away from, as the only thing more painful than stepping on LEGO is trying to get your kids to clean it up.  But Daniel invited me down to help them clean and there I was, sitting with a bowl on the floor, sorting while they chatted my ear off and peppered me with questions about this, that and the other. 
Daniel grinned at me at one point and said, "Thanks for helping, Mommy!  This is just what we needed."
"No problem, Daniel.  I'm just trying to be the mom you need today."
He pondered that for a moment.
"You're always the mom we need, Mommy." 
He put his arm around me, and in that moment, in the midst of the mess, I felt a spark of the divine.

God interrupted our messy world when he showed up at the Annunciation with an invitation in a big way, but he's there with smaller invitations every moment of our own messy day, interruptions that bring us invitations to growth and freedom and joy.  In a tiny, outstretched hand.  In an unexpected hug. In naptime.  In a couch full of pillows waiting to be cuddled into.  Even in the burnt dinner and the broken toilet and the school project and the unexpected sick day and the mountain of laundry untouched for a week.  The invitation is there to laugh at ourselves, to ask for and receive grace, to not take ourselves too seriously, to say YES.  I tell myself if Mary could say "yes" to becoming the unwed virgin mother of God, I could probably say "yes" to, say, a blanket fort, y'all.  If she could have a baby in a barn, I could probably, like, clean the toilet in the boys' bathroom.  And if Jesus could die on the cross for us, I could PROBABLY find the strength to wash the dishes or read another bedtime story. 
Baby steps. 
I'm learning. 

God, please give me the eyes to see you as you appear.
The wisdom to take the invitation as it arrives.
The grace and peace and strength to be the mom they need today.

Not babies. . .but always my babies. :)

Sunday, February 26, 2017


Our dear Daniel has his First Reconciliation next Saturday, and I'm a little confused because, um, wasn't he just born?  Eight years sure flies. We're preparing for his big day by completing the "Gift of Reconciliation" book our church provides.  Last year, Paul and I took turns completing it with Phil, but this year I selfishly took over this task all on my own for three very important reasons.  (1) While we do the book Paul has to put the other kids to bed.  (2) Did I mention I get to do the book while Paul puts the other kids to bed? and (3) Daniel is the ultimate mini-me, and thanks to the fact that we are so similar he is also the child with whom I need the most reconciling.  Imagine that. Not because of his sinfulness, really, just because of mine.  I can't even imagine what he's going to confess in confession, the little dude is the sweetest.  Wiping his nose on his sleeve?  Taking too many turns on the Wii?  I'd love to be a fly on the wall. But he's so excited for his big day, it doesn't even matter. 

The other night we were working through a chapter together and read the story of the prodigal son.  "Oh, I LOVE this one." he said, and I agreed.  We laughed, remembering how his Religious Ed class last year acted it out and had so much fun taking turns being each character in the story.  Their little play was in a way a metaphor for life:  we might all take turns being each of those roles at some point on our journey, right?  Then we got to a new section:  "Mistakes are not sins."  Daniel started reading out loud and by the time he finished the section I was holding back tears.  He was ready to move on to the next page, but I stopped him.  I was feeling majorly convicted.  I bit my lip.

"Daniel," I said.  "I need to apologize to you."
He looked at me with some concern.
"D," I said, a tear running down my face. "I just realized that sometimes I get angry at you when you make mistakes.  That's not fair.  Mistakes are not sins.  Mistakes are how we learn."
"It's really OK, Mommy."
"No, Daniel, it's not OK," I said, still crying. "That is not good of me.  You need to make mistakes.  We all make mistakes.  I am sorry.  I am so sorry I haven't been a good mommy to you."
I started to sob.
Daniel started to get desperate.
"MOMMY!!!!" he crawled into my lap and put his arms around me.  "You are a good mommy!  Stop crying!  It's OK!  It's OK!  I'm OK!  I love you and I think you are a good mommy."
He cuddled his head under my chin.
"Will you forgive me, Daniel?"
"Yes, Mommy, just PLEASE stop crying."
"OK" I grinned sheepishly and wiped my tears.  He shot me a concerned look as he turned the page, but I pulled myself together and we moved on.

I haven't been able to get that moment out of my mind since.  "Mistakes are not sins."  When he read that I was like, "OHHHHHHHH SNAAAAAAP."  Got me.  Mistakes are not sins. It seems so obvious in print.  So why in real life do I respond to my children like they are something intentional? We all make mistakes, and as much as I personally hate making them, how will you learn and grow without the opportunity to try and fail and do better the next time?  So when Daniel spills his milk or loses his iPad case at school or forgets his lunch bag or misplaces another library book or gets spaghetti all over his face at dinner or shoves his laundry in the drawer the wrong way, I'm not sending him a very good message about his essential humanity if I lose my patience with him.  I need him to develop the loving internal voice to be kind and patient with himself, and in order to do that I need to give him the gift of words that can build his character instead of tear it down.  I can already tell that I have been failing in this by the way he profusely apologizes for his mistakes, "I'm so sorry, Mommy, I'm so sorry.  I forgot to make my bed, I'll go do it, I'm so sorry. I forget all the time" or  "I fell at recess today, I'm so sorry.  I can't believe I did that.  I shouldn't even play soccer at recess. I'm so sorry."  Ouch. If that doesn't tell me that I need to nurture that sweet little heart, I don't know what does.  Our world is in such desperate need of kindness and peace and reconciliation right now.  If I want it out there, I had better get to work up in here.

The psalm last week at church was a favorite of mine, "The Lord is Kind and Merciful."  That one is so encouraging, but humbling as well.  God is so amazingly abundant in His mercy that not only does he overlook our human failings and mistakes, He also forgives all of our on-purpose sins.  He's just pure love, and He adores each of us.  I get to be a beneficiary of the grace and mercy of our loving God every day of my life, and I am so grateful.  But I need to admit that I can always do a better job of passing that grace and mercy on to my children, and being slow to anger and abounding in kindness every day is a goal I am working towards. As they have grown older, I've come to realize even more the abounding kindness I need right here in my home.  The world can be cruel out there, our home needs to be a place where gentleness reigns. I also need to help them become functioning adults, so there is room for correction and discipline and teaching and learning in there, too.  I've got to stay in tune with the balance.  As one of my favorites, Glennon Melton, says, "Don't be so concerned with raising a good kid you forget you already have one." 

God made all four of them just right.
We moved #4 into a big boy bed this past weekend. . .never too early, really.  I even made it before my target date of February 30, two thousand and never and he was totally out of his crib before his fourth birthday next month.  ;)  He has been over the moon excited, which is so cute but also makes it a little hard for his bunkmate, Joshy, to sleep.  The other morning in the kitchen Joshy was crying, "Mommy, Noah NEVER lets me go to sleep!  He is always trying to talk to me and get in my bed!"
I tried to remain serious but started to giggle a little bit.  Oh, the irony.  I was getting ready to point it out but Phil beat me to it.
"Josh, when you were three you used to do the SAME THING to us every night!  You cost me like $1.50 every week!"
"Oh my goodness, Phil, I totally forgot about the sticks!"  We laughed remembering how for a while they had such a problem getting out of bed and being silly that we gave them each 8 popsicle sticks and every time they got out of bed it cost them a popsicle stick, or $.25 of their $2 allowance.  That worked for everyone except Josh, who is totally Captain Silly and could have cared less about money.  You can't put a price on funny. And now the tables have turned and his three-year-old brother drives him crazy.
Daniel chimed in, "Remember when I was three?"
I cringed.
"Oh, Daniel, I couldn't forget.  I'm really sorry about that buddy."
"Yeah, you guys put a CHILD SAFETY KNOB on the inside of my door when I got out of bed too many times so I couldn't get out!  Not cool, Mommy!"
"Daniel, I am so sorry about that.  If I could go back and be your mom again when you were three, I would do things differently.  That was not the kindest parenting on my part."
Daniel laughed, ever the picture of forgiveness.  "It's OK, Mommy.  Look, I'm fine.  I turned out great."
He grinned at me and shrugged his shoulders, as if to say, "I'm just right."
I grinned right back at him and ruffled his hair.  He put his arms around my waist and looked up at me with his big blue eyes and tousled blond hair.

He HAS turned out fine, despite all my mom fails.
He's so forgiving, and at the very least all of my failures give us a chance to celebrate the gift of repentance and grace and mercy and reconciliation over and over again.
He's a marvelous creation, and he doesn't need fixing.
He is just right.
(I did fix his hair though.  That one was on me.)

Happy First Reconciliation, D.  God's grace and blessings on you always.